When Giving Becomes a Shield
Recently, a friend invited my husband and me to dinner and told us not to bring anything. It was incredibly uncomfortable to think of showing up at dinner with nothing except us. I took a deep breath and did it, but it made me uneasy the whole night knowing I hadn't brought anything to share.
The week prior to Thanksgiving, our son and daughter-in-law texted, "Don't bring anything to Thanksgiving this year. We've got it all covered." I wrote back and said, "Are you sure?" She said, "Yes, we've got it all covered." I responded that I'm feeling challenged with this, but apparently the universe is trying to teach me to receive. So as much as I don't like it, I will honor it.
I asked a colleague to join me at an event and offered to sponsor her attendance fee. I registered a quick, but impactful, look of distress as she said, “Hmm, I’m not sure about that….” It got me thinking deeper when a teammate later said, "You are such a giver. That is something you're really good at. You are full of generosity."
Hmm, I wonder if I've purposefully honed the muscle of giving to avoid receiving?" I'm clear that they are not balanced. My receiving muscles feel very weak; I'm ensconced in a strange sense of shame even thinking about receiving, yet I feel nothing but heart-centered gratitude when I consider giving.
So, what is this? What is this divide between giving and receiving for me? I started wondering if anybody else was experiencing this conundrum.
As it turns out, I'm far from alone. Research shows that for many people, receiving creates a moment of connection that can feel deeply vulnerable and that prioritizing giving over receiving may be a way to keep people at a distance and protect our hearts (Amodeo, 2014). When we give, we maintain a certain level of control. But receiving? That requires us to surrender, to be seen in our need, to allow ourselves to be cared for.
Psychologist John Amodeo notes that receiving invites us to welcome a vulnerable part of ourselves, and that living in this tender place makes us more available to receive the gifts offered every day - a sincere thank you, a compliment, a warm smile (Amodeo, 2014). Yet for those of us who've developed an over-functioning relationship with giving, this vulnerability feels less like an invitation and more like exposure.
The neuroscience is fascinating too. Brain imaging research shows that both giving and receiving gifts activate core areas of our brain associated with reward and pleasure, stimulating the neurotransmitter dopamine (University of Arizona, n.d.). In theory, we should feel just as good receiving as giving. But here's the catch: many people report being uncomfortable with receiving if it came with strings attached during childhood, if compliments came only with accomplishments, or if parental giving was used to meet their own needs rather than truly seeing the child (Amodeo, 2014). We learned early that receiving wasn't safe, that it came with obligations or conditions.
There's another layer to this story, particularly for women in leadership and professional roles. Research from Lean In shows that people expect help from women but not from men, so when women do favors at work, they earn no points for doing so, but when they say no, they are penalized (Lean In, n.d.). We're socialized from an early age to be the helpers, the supporters, the ones who anticipate others' needs. The same research found that men gain points for saying yes and face minimal consequences for saying no, creating a dynamic where women feel compelled to constantly give while men have more freedom to set boundaries.
This conditioning runs deep. Many of us have built entire identities around being generous, capable, the one others can count on. When someone tries to give to us, it disrupts this carefully constructed role. Who are we if we're not the giver? What if accepting help makes us appear weak or needy?
Psychology Today warns that the problem with giving without receiving is that it blocks what they call the "ternary flow of love,” the sacred power in giving a gift, receiving a gift, and the gift itself (Nicotera, 2020). When we refuse to receive, we're denying the giver their moment of joy and connection. We're saying, in effect, "Your gift doesn't matter" or "I don't trust your intentions."
Moreover, chronic over-giving coupled with an inability to receive can lead to loneliness and isolation; we become a one-person show, feeling self-sufficient and in control, but paying the price via the loss of authentic connection (Lancer, 2023). The irony is that many who struggle with receiving often find themselves in relationships with people labeled as "selfish" or "takers," never suspecting that our own difficulty in receiving likely contributes to this dynamic.
The research on reciprocity reveals another truth: healthy exchange relationships are built on balanced reciprocity, where trust develops through mutual perception that interactions benefit both sides (Greig & Bohnet, 2008). When we only give, we create an imbalance that ultimately undermines the trust and intimacy we're seeking.
So here I am, a 50-something executive coach who helps leaders develop stronger, more authentic relationships, sitting with my own discomfort about showing up empty-handed to special dinners. The universe has handed me a growth opportunity wrapped in a delicious plate of work I didn’t do.
Experts suggest that receiving with humility and appreciation, living with a rhythm of giving and receiving, keeps us balanced and nourished (Amodeo, 2014). This isn't about becoming focused solely on self - it's about recognizing that when we allow others to give to us, we're actually giving them a gift: the gift of mattering, of being able to contribute, of experiencing their own generosity.
I'm learning to ask myself: What am I protecting with my reluctance to receive? What relationships am I keeping at arm's length by always being the capable one? What would it feel like to trust that I'm worthy of care, not because of what I've done or what I can offer, but simply because I exist and am valued?
The practice is simple but not easy: Notice the discomfort. Breathe into it. Say "thank you" instead of "you shouldn't have." Show up without the wine or the side dish. Let someone else occupy the giver role and practice being cared for.
If you're someone who finds giving easy but receiving excruciating, know this: Learning to receive isn't selfish; it's an act of courage and connection. It's letting down the shield we've built and allowing ourselves to be truly seen and loved. And perhaps, in a world that so desperately needs more genuine connection, that's the most generous thing we can do.
Amodeo, J. (2014, February 12). 5 reasons why receiving is harder than giving. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intimacy-a-path-toward-spirituality/201402/5-reasons-why-receiving-is-harder-than-giving
Greig, F., & Bohnet, I. (2008). Is there reciprocity in a reciprocal-exchange economy? Evidence of gendered norms from a slum in Nairobi, Kenya. Economic Inquiry, 46(1), 77-83.
Lancer, D. (2023, April 14). Why receiving is hard. What Is Codependency? https://whatiscodependency.com/why-receiving-is-hard/
Lean In. (n.d.). 8 powerful ways managers can support equality. https://leanin.org/tips/managers
Nicotera, N. (2020, December 19). The problem with giving and not receiving. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/counseling-keys/202012/the-problem-giving-and-not-receiving
University of Arizona. (n.d.). Understanding the brain science behind giving and receiving gifts. University of Arizona News. https://news.arizona.edu/news/understanding-brain-science-behind-giving-and-receiving-gifts
